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Relationships with Respect


Relationships work well when all parties benefit from the relationship. They require each party to respect the other person and their property. This means that a person is entitled to their thoughts, feelings, person and their property. Taking or denying a person any of these entitlements is stealing from them that which is theirs. Respecting a person is allowing them to have that which is theirs.  Relationships are like a business. To keep it healthy you have to work for it. If you take too much from it you send it broke. Working for a relationship requires attention to and consideration for the other member(s) of the relationship.


To take sex, enforce feelings, tell, coerce, intimidate, force to submission and force to compliance is to not respect the other person. Doing this will cause grievance and destroy the relationship. When during the day a partner has suffered tension and putdowns to then expect or have sex is to violate that person.


There are three entities in a relationship, you, me and us.


Behaviours That Improve (Behaviours That Destroy)

1.      To have a friend you must first be one, for being a friend you have friends. The attitude towards others is very important. Being generous in the way you feel towards others is important. Enthusiasm is contagious. Being a friend is a state of mind that we can choose to have. We all have free will and can choose our attitudes towards others. (Wanting, expecting and demanding friend ship works against friendship)

2.    To get someone to do something you must first have them to want to do it. This is best achieved with rewards and encouragement. If rewards and encouragement is not enough then that is it, stop trying; you are trying beyond that which is achievable without damaging your relationship. (The worst possible outcome is achieved with bullying, threats, intimidation or imposing your expectations. In the short term you may have the action you seek and in the long term you will earn their hatred - they will feel used.)

3.    Diplomacy is the gentle art of letting people have it your way. If you cannot achieve this then you should give up. (To force the issue is to create distress and fear and possibly start hostile arguments which damage the relationship.)

4.    People like people who like them. Free will allows us to choose whether we like someone or not. Tell them you like them by being interested in them and their involvements. Praise the nice things about them.

5.    People are interested in people who are interested in them. Take time to listen to them and hear what they have to say and consider their feels and ideas as important to them and respect that importance. As your issues are important to you, their issues are important to them. Give them the respect of listening and being interested in their issues. (Do not belittle their feelings and emotions by ignoring their issues or using putdowns to dismiss their issues)

6.    Keep transactions equitable. Both parties should benefit from every interaction. Use opportunities to add value to them and encourage them to pursue their interests and their goals. (Taking more than is fair will damage relationships. Demanding that you be listened to, that your needs be met, that your rights be respected, that you know best what should be done only stresses a relationship.)

7.    A smile says I like you. Smile and be happy around others. Tell jokes, Sing songs, play along with them, get them smiling and laughing with you. Make their experience with you enjoyable. (Being serious and demanding bears too much weight and takes from relationships.)

8.    Love thy neighbour as thyself. Treat them in the best possible way that brings them joy and good feelings about themselves as you would surely like to be treated by them. People have a fairness sensor. (To violate their sense of fairness is to earn their dislike.)

9.    We are born with two ears and one mouth for good reason. This says we should listen twice as much as we speak. Self expression is the dominant expression. Allowing people their self expression is the sincerest form of flattery. It says they are important and what they have to say is interesting". It says “I like you”.

10.A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still. Engaging the person in conversation, listening and considering, asking "what if ….", "I am a bit confused please help me understand better what you are saying", "How do you see it that ….?", etc. .help people understand and put into words their feelings and their way of understanding and you may be able to bring more clarity to their understandings and that is helping them. (Telling people what to believe is the most unsuccessful way to change their view of things. They learn to shut up and say nothing and go their own way anyway. They can not get away fast enough)

11.  Trying to achieve such compliance from Others is taking from your relationship more than it can afford.  But worse, by trying to force people into compliance you are taking from all of them. Where they become compliance they become people that in their lives others will successfully take from also. You will establish, by this behaviour towards your children, losers. Your children will learn to concede to others for the sake of peace. They learn to give in. Thus they will give up things for others all their lives.


Techniques for Avoiding Conflict

1.   Invite people to listen to you. Little preambles at the beginning of sentences invite interest and reduce the severity of what you might say. These are things like “I thought you might like to hear ….”, “Did you know …..”, “Are you interested in hearing ….”, “I would have thought …”, “The way I understood that was …..”, “In my opinion …”.

2.   Never TELL a person they are wrong. A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still.  Avoid TELLING a person anything. It is their right to chose to believe something you know is wrong. Any attempt to take that right from them will be resisted. You can only help a person by inquiring and if they accept your invitation to hear what you have to say. Help a person understand what they are saying by asking questions like “Is what your are saying ……?”, “Did I hear you right when you said ……”, “Please help me understand you better and explain how …….”.

3.   Putdowns are banned. Little words can have big effects. Avoid putdowns like ending sentences with statements like “…… you idiot”. Avoid name calling.

4.   Never threaten or abuse. You might be tested and have to honour your promises. People might dismiss you as a loony who has lost control of them self and their emotions.

5.    Use I messages. I messages are messages that deliver how you feel as a result of what was said or done to you. They help others better understand you and give them an opportunity to volunteer a remedy. They also teach people to better understand you and thus avoid creating situations of conflict with you. These messages have three parts-- the behavior that triggers the feeling, the feeling and the reason.

o        When you _______________________________(behavior)

o        I feel ___________________________________(feeling)

o        because I ________________________________(reason).

An example is “When you use putdowns I feel offended because I feel you meant to hurt my feelings.”

6.      Use reflective listening. In situations of conflict people are determined to be heard. Calm them by giving them that feeling that you are listening. When heated, people often do not say what they mean so give them a chance to fix and improve upon what they are saying. The technique is to repeat back to them in a calm voice what you heard them say as you would say it. Sentences like “Your saying ……” in your own words.

7.      Interest Boosting. Encourage people to listen to you by praising them.

8.      Self interest is the dominant interest. Attach what you are saying to their self interest, show them how they may be able to use or will benefit from what you want them to hear.

9.      Use props to help a better understanding. Prepare a plan for the discussion. Make notes on a sheet of paper. Try demonstrating by using examples.

10.   Identify issues. Identify the issue of real concern. Often people will use small things to complain about when there is an issue of real concern they are afraid to raise, as it will invite conflict. Dealing with the real problems is the better long-term solution.


Happiness requires being with safe people

 There are people who will make you happy and there are people who will make you sad. Long-term happiness is knowing who to have around and who to keep away from. Living with people who will take you down, steal from you, damage your reputation, make you feel bad, load you with guilt, run your life, ,, will leave your life stressed and mostly unhappy. Knowing how to measure people is fundamental to a happy low stressed life. Being assertive, being good and keeping your world GOOD is the way to happiness and contentedness.

1.      Error of assumed similarity.

2.      People who speak badly about others will speak badly about you also. Taking what people say at face value is an error that can leave you open to exploitation.

3.      Manipulative people work by managing other people’s perception,

4.      If they steal from others whey will steal from you to.

5.      Spectrum of honesty

6.      People who do things right usually do the right things\


Ways that People answer questions

1.      Some try to tell the truth

2.      Some tell what they think you want to hear.

3.      Some tell you what they think will get you working for them or allow them to take advantage of you.

4.      Some tell you so as to paint them in good light.


There are three types of people

1.      People who you must avoid because they will do you harm

2.      People with whom you have nothing in common and so there is no point

3.      People who have a lot in common and having around is an advantage.


Organise the way you think about thinks and improve your intellectual performance.

Framework of reality thinking,

Strategic and tactical analysis

Empathy and feeling tone.

Ask yourself the right questions – Why would they put such effort into convincing me …. That.