Relationships work well when all parties benefit from the relationship. They require each party to respect the other person and their property. This means that a person is entitled to their thoughts, feelings, person and their property. Taking or denying a person any of these entitlements is stealing from them that which is theirs. Respecting a person is allowing them to have that which is theirs. Relationships are like a business. To keep it healthy you have to work for it. If you take too much from it you send it broke. Working for a relationship requires attention to and consideration for the other member(s) of the relationship.
To take sex, enforce feelings, tell, coerce, intimidate, force to submission and force to compliance is to not respect the other person. Doing this will cause grievance and destroy the relationship. When during the day a partner has suffered tension and putdowns to then expect or have sex is to violate that person.
There are three entities in a relationship, you, me and us.
Behaviours
That Improve (Behaviours That Destroy)
1. To have a friend you must first be one, for being a friend you have friends. The attitude towards others is very important. Being generous in the way you feel towards others is important. Enthusiasm is contagious. Being a friend is a state of mind that we can choose to have. We all have free will and can choose our attitudes towards others. (Wanting, expecting and demanding friend ship works against friendship)
2.
To get someone to do something you must
first have them to want to do it. This is best
achieved with rewards and encouragement. If rewards and encouragement is not
enough then that is it, stop trying; you are trying beyond that which is
achievable without damaging your relationship. (The worst possible outcome is
achieved with bullying, threats, intimidation or imposing your expectations. In
the short term you may have the action you seek and in the long term you will
earn their hatred - they will feel used.)
3.
Diplomacy is the gentle art of letting
people have it your way. If you cannot achieve
this then you should give up. (To force the issue is to create distress and fear
and possibly start hostile arguments which damage the relationship.)
4.
People like people who like them.
Free will allows us to choose whether we like someone or not. Tell them you like
them by being interested in them and their involvements. Praise the nice things
about them.
5.
People are interested in people who are
interested in them. Take time to listen to them
and hear what they have to say and consider their feels and ideas as important
to them and respect that importance. As your issues are important to you, their
issues are important to them. Give them the respect of listening and being
interested in their issues. (Do not belittle their feelings and emotions by
ignoring their issues or using putdowns to dismiss their issues)
6.
Keep transactions equitable.
Both parties should benefit from every interaction. Use opportunities to add
value to them and encourage them to pursue their interests and their goals.
(Taking more than is fair will damage relationships. Demanding that you be
listened to, that your needs be met, that your rights be respected, that you
know best what should be done only stresses a relationship.)
7.
A smile says I like you.
Smile and be happy around others. Tell jokes, Sing songs, play along with them,
get them smiling and laughing with you. Make their experience with you
enjoyable. (Being serious and demanding bears too much weight and takes from
relationships.)
8.
Love thy neighbour as thyself.
Treat them in the best possible way that brings them joy and good feelings about
themselves as you would surely like to be treated by them. People have a
fairness sensor. (To violate their sense of fairness is to earn their dislike.)
9.
We are born with two ears and one mouth for
good reason. This says we should listen twice as
much as we speak. Self expression is the dominant expression. Allowing
people their self expression is the sincerest form of flattery. It says they are
important and what they have to say is interesting". It says “I like
you”.
10.A person convinced against
their will is of the same opinion still. Engaging
the person in conversation, listening and considering, asking "what if
….", "I am a bit confused please help me understand better what you
are saying", "How do you see it that ….?", etc. .help people
understand and put into words their feelings and their way of understanding and
you may be able to bring more clarity to their understandings and that is
helping them. (Telling people what to believe is the most unsuccessful way to
change their view of things. They learn to shut up and say nothing and go their
own way anyway. They can not get away fast enough)
11. Trying
to achieve such compliance from Others is taking from your relationship more
than it can afford.
But worse, by trying to force people into compliance you are taking from
all of them. Where they become compliance they become people that in their lives
others will successfully take from also. You will establish, by this behaviour
towards your children, losers. Your children will learn to concede to others for
the sake of peace. They learn to give in. Thus they will give up things for
others all their lives.
1. Invite people to listen to you. Little preambles at the beginning of sentences invite interest and reduce the severity of what you might say. These are things like “I thought you might like to hear ….”, “Did you know …..”, “Are you interested in hearing ….”, “I would have thought …”, “The way I understood that was …..”, “In my opinion …”.
2. Never
TELL a person they are
wrong. A person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still.
Avoid TELLING
a person anything. It
is their right to chose to believe something you know is wrong. Any attempt to
take that right from them will be resisted. You can only help a person by
inquiring and if they accept your invitation to hear what you have to say. Help
a person understand what they are saying by asking questions like “Is what
your are saying ……?”, “Did I hear you right when you said ……”,
“Please help me understand you better and explain how …….”.
3. Putdowns
are banned.
Little words can have big effects. Avoid putdowns like ending sentences with
statements like “…… you idiot”. Avoid name calling.
4. Never
threaten or abuse.
You might be tested and have to honour your promises. People might dismiss you
as a loony who has lost control of them self and their emotions.
5.
Use I messages. I
messages are messages that deliver how you feel as a result of what was said or
done to you. They help others better understand you and give them an opportunity
to volunteer a remedy. They also teach people to better understand you and thus
avoid creating situations of conflict with you. These messages have three
parts-- the behavior that triggers the feeling, the feeling and the reason.
o
When you _______________________________(behavior)
o
I feel ___________________________________(feeling)
o
because I ________________________________(reason).
An example is “When you use putdowns I feel offended because I feel you meant to hurt my feelings.”
6.
Use
reflective listening. In situations of conflict people are determined to be heard. Calm them
by giving them that feeling that you are listening. When heated, people often do
not say what they mean so give them a chance to fix and improve upon what they
are saying. The technique is to repeat back to them in a calm voice what you
heard them say as you would say it. Sentences like “Your saying ……” in
your own words.
7.
Interest
Boosting.
Encourage people to listen to you by praising them.
8.
Self
interest is the dominant interest. Attach what you are saying to their self interest, show them how they
may be able to use or will benefit from what you want them to hear.
9.
Use props
to help a better understanding.
Prepare a plan for the discussion. Make notes on a sheet of paper. Try
demonstrating by using examples.
10.
Identify
issues. Identify
the issue of real concern. Often people will use small things to complain about
when there is an issue of real concern they are afraid to raise, as it will
invite conflict. Dealing with the real problems is the better long-term
solution.
There are people who will make you happy and there are people who will make you sad. Long-term happiness is knowing who to have around and who to keep away from. Living with people who will take you down, steal from you, damage your reputation, make you feel bad, load you with guilt, run your life, ,, will leave your life stressed and mostly unhappy. Knowing how to measure people is fundamental to a happy low stressed life. Being assertive, being good and keeping your world GOOD is the way to happiness and contentedness.
1.
Error of assumed similarity.
2.
People who speak badly about others will speak badly about you also. Taking
what people say at face value is an error that can leave you open to
exploitation.
3.
Manipulative people work by managing other people’s perception,
4.
If they steal from others whey will steal from you to.
5.
Spectrum of honesty
6.
People who do things right usually do the right things\
Ways that
People answer questions
1.
Some try to tell the truth
2.
Some tell what they think you want to hear.
3.
Some tell you what they think will get you working for them or allow them
to take advantage of you.
4.
Some tell you so as to paint them in good light.
There are
three types of people
1.
People who you must avoid because they will do you harm
2.
People with whom you have nothing in common and so there is no point
3.
People who have a lot in common and having around is an advantage.
Organise the way you think about thinks and improve your intellectual performance.
Framework of reality thinking,
Strategic and tactical analysis
Empathy and feeling tone.
Ask yourself the right questions – Why would they put such effort into convincing me …. That.